Goodbye 2013, Hello 2014
by frostyfreezyfreeze54
Summary: The sequel to last year's critically acclaimed New Year's Eve special "Goodbye 2012, Hello 2013." A simple boy's day out on the last day of the year turns serious as Testicular Sound Express discusses the love they share, their place in the world and evaluate their own characters like never before. Two-part special.
1. Goodbye 2013, Hello 2014 Part 1

_Thank You, Heavenly_

Theme Song: "Hello, Goodbye" by The Beatles (this episode only)

SEASON 2

EPISODE 11/12

Airdate: December 29, 2013

Title: Goodbye 2013, Hello 2014 (Parts 1 & 2; New Year's Eve episode)

Segway Segment: Year in Review

Satire/Social Commentary: None

Special Guest Stars: Kristen Drew as Herself, Alex Borstein as Lois Griffin, Seth MacFarlane as Peter Griffin, Mila Kunis as Meg Griffin, Luke Brookshier as Himself, Marc Ceccarelli as Himself, Vincent Waller as Himself

SCENE 1

The Newman Condominium (December 30)

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(RK, Wade, and Jaylynn are all sitting on chairs. Well, RK is sitting on the couch. Wade is on his iPhone and Jaylynn is watching TV along with RK. Buster comes in with two hot dogs with ketchup and a bottle of AriZona fruit punch. He takes a seat next to RK.)

(before Buster can take a bite) RK: Hey, nice sausage. Cut to perfection.

BUSTER: Thank you.

RK: And those hot dogs don't look too shabby either.

(RK pats Buster on the shoulder; Buster's mouth is open in shock and disgust)

WADE: Well, Buster, are you going to just sit there like a halfwit, mouth agape? Or are you going to chow down?

BUSTER: (Bleep) this, someone else can eat these.

JAYLYNN: I will. I love hot dogs!

(Before Jaylynn can take a bite) RK: You know...

JAYLYNN: If you try and ruin MY appetite, I'll kick your ass so bad, you'll wake up tomorrow morning without one. K? K.

RK: OK, I'm sorry.

BUSTER: Sorry to who? You should be apologizing to me!

(pinches Buster's cheek) RK: I'm sorry, sugar bear.

BUSTER: Don't do that. I'm not your sugar bear, I'm not in the mood, and at this point in time, you should be focusing on Ashley.

RK: I should. But there's a thing called fooling around.

(backing away from RK, who got too close) BUSTER: Well, I'm NOT the kind of guy you should be fooling around with.

SPARKY: Guys, guys, I worked out EVERYTHING.

BUSTER: Oh, and now I know what's going to happen next. Sparky will say, "I have a super-cool idea for tomorrow!" Or something stupid, I'm sure.

SPARKY: My catchphrases are a lot less canned and phoned-in than that, Buster.

WADE: He's just irritable because RK ruined his appetite.

(Sparky looks at a beaming RK, and then Buster)

BUSTER: Don't ask.

SPARKY: OK? Well, I carefully devised a color-coded schedule for tomorrow's New Year's Eve festivities.

RK: Ah, we can always count on you to be organized, Sparko.

WADE: You made a color-coded schedule?

SPARKY: Yeah, isn't it great?

WADE: Like, yah! You can use your own personal creativity and unique colors to stay on schedule!

SPARKY: Half the work, twice the fun.

(Sparky and Wade high-five)

(saluting) SPARKY AND WADE: All hail the color-coded schedule!

JAYLYNN: All hail the corny.

(Sparky and Wade sadly stare at Jaylynn)

SPARKY: Anyway, tomorrow, we're going to the New Year's parade downtown. All of the hottest stores in the city will have floats there to promote their respective products.

JAYLYNN: Cool, when do we leave?

(Testicular Sound Express simply stares at Jaylynn)

SPARKY: Yeah, so we head down to the parade, maybe have some lunch at one of those snooty French restaurants where the waiter might touch you, and then...

JAYLYNN: What's going on? I just asked a question.

RK: You're not going, dumbass. Now shut up and keep biting your wiener because that's the closest you'll ever get to one.

WADE: RK!

RK: Ashley yelled at me today so I'm trying to ruin everyone's day to cope.

SPARKY: Yeah, sorry, Jaylynn, but you can't go.

JAYLYNN: Why? You don't think I'll fit in?

SPARKY: No, but I planned this event for the boys. You know, before you even considered moving here.

BUSTER: Our goal is to have the greatest New Year's Eve of all-time.

JAYLYNN: You do realize that goal is hyperbole, right?

BUSTER: Who cares? We're just a bunch of stupid kids.

SPARKY: Jaylynn, we would love to bring you, but I can't squeeze you in this late.

JAYLYNN: It's cool.

RK: Yeah, don't sweat it, Jaylynn. It just has to do with...morals and stuff.

WADE: Since when have you cared about morals?

RK: Well, I guess my anti-racism has meant nothing to you, has it?

WADE: RK, you're the same guy that gave a kid internal bleeding in the second grade over an eraser...that he was going to return to you.

RK: He didn't give it to me fast enough! I thought he was going to steal it!

WADE: He asked you if you dropped it and then you kicked his ass!

RK: Yeah, well, I was acting in self-defense. Wade, you could benefit from the strength of street knowledge.

WADE: Dude, the closest you ever came to the streets was watching _21 Jump Street._

RK: I can't help it if I think Johnny Depp is cute!

(long pause)

SPARKY: In local news, I want to personally thank you guys for the systematic degeneration of this conversation.

SCENE 2

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK: So, Jaylynn, I just wanted to say that I think it's crappy how you can't come with us tomorrow. But you know what they say? You're going to die.

JAYLYNN: What...what does that have to do with what you just said?

RK: I was reading _A Series of Unfortunate Events _before you came over, I'm sorry. Anyway, if you want to kick it with someone tomorrow, my brother KG would love to accommodate you.

JAYLYNN: RK, I really don't care. I mean, it's a nice gesture, but I can just spend New Year's Eve by myself until you guys get back.

RK: You spend too much time by yourself. That's why you're so miserable.

(Jaylynn angrily stares at RK)

KG: Hey RK, I need $30. I got caught in the middle of a crack raid and Julio doesn't want to wait for the cash.

RK: You smoke crack now?

KG: No, I deal crack on the side illegally while competing with Hispanic dealers in poor areas of the city.

RK: Then why would you need money...

KG: Please don't over-analyze this situation. All you need to know is that Julio and Miguel are my allies, but fierce competition, so I can't trust them like I can't trust Juan or Carlos.

JAYLYNN: Hi.

(KG has a cheesy smile)

KG: RK...why is that bitch here?

RK AND JAYLYNN: WHAT?!

KG: GET OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW! GET OUT OF MY (BLEEP) HOUSE! YOU BROKE UP WITH ME, AND NOW YOU THINK YOU CAN COME BACK ALL APOLOGETIC AND WHATNOT?! NO, (BLEEP) YOUR APOLOGY AND (BLEEP) YOU TOO!

(long pause)

RK: You know, if I hated Jaylynn, I would TOTALLY use that.

JAYLYNN: What the hell is your problem? I barely even know you!

KG: Wait. Wait, hang on a minute. Let me put on my Buddy Holly glasses.

(KG puts on his Buddy Holly glasses and realizes it's Jaylynn)

KG: Oh, sorry, Jaylynn. I'm really sorry for going off like that, I thought you were Charlotte.

JAYLYNN: Who's Charlotte?

RK: She was KG's ex-girlfriend.

KG: Yeah, she told me she loved me and later said we were never meant to be together.

JAYLYNN: Damn, that's cold.

RK: Like you? (chuckling)

JAYLYNN: I'm not cold, I'm cynical. And KG, you've seen me before. You didn't freak out then.

KG: I guess now, I've realized just how much you look like Charlotte. And it's highly offensive to me.

(Jaylynn raises her eyebrow)

RK: You guys probably aren't going to kick it tomorrow, huh?

KG: I don't have a problem with it.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, me neither.

RK: OK, we're greenlit.

KG: Now that I think about it, I might have some money left in my Nutcracker piggy bank. It's a very difficult process to get it, but it's worth it.

(KG runs to his bedroom)

JAYLYNN: Now that I think about it, KG's kind of hot.

RK: Hey, don't get any funny ideas. You're 10 and he's 13, you sick pervert.

JAYLYNN: RK, that's not how pedophilia works.

RK: Really? I guess I spend too much time reading the Facebook statuses of uneducated high school kids.

KG: DAMMIT, NOT AGAIN!

JAYLYNN: Um...

RK: Don't ask, I'll tell you later.

SCENE 3

The MacDougal Household (December 31)

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

SPARKY: This is going to be one glorious day. I get to spend the afternoon with my boys, the evening with my girl, and we'll all see 2014 together.

BITCH CLOCK: You do realize that you're not talking to anyone, right?

(The camera zooms out to reveal Sparky all alone in the living room, with Bitch Clock on the staircase)

SPARKY: Bitch Clock, were you eavesdropping on my private conversation with myself?

BITCH CLOCK: No, you're just really loud, I could hear you all the way upstairs.

SPARKY: I just hope things go according to plan. That's why I'm afraid to watch _Reindeer Games._

BITCH CLOCK: Look, Sparky, you should know at this point that any time you and your friends have a certain goal, it all goes wrong. If I were you, I wouldn't hold my breath on this.

SPARKY: Dude, it's the last day of the year. It's our destiny for things to work out.

BITCH CLOCK: Yeah, but look at all the blunders from this past year. The Heely Shoes, the Super Bowl, the pop music, the destruction of your house...

SPARKY: Bitch Clock, the house destruction was your fault.

BITCH CLOCK: Oh yeah. But it doesn't diminish the fact that Testicular Sound Express is just one big powder keg at the end of the day.

SPARKY: Powder keg, shmowder keg. We've got this.

BITCH CLOCK: Whatever you say. I have to go see my sweetheart before the day is over. I want to get drunk at midnight and I don't want her to know about it.

SPARKY: You know, those AA meetings are for YOUR benefit.

BITCH CLOCK: I know that. But my benefit doesn't want them. Later.

SPARKY: Later. (Sparky puts his wallet in his pocket when he realizes something) Wait. What DOES the fox say?

RK: We're here to have fun.

WADE: And get into crazy hijinks and/or adult situations.

BUSTER: Don't we always?

(Wade stares at a bored Buster)

SPARKY: Well, let's go. To think we're just hours away from 2014. It's been a great year for us.

RK: You know it. I haven't felt this excited since I told off Nick Cannon.

(RK is at TeenNick headquarters)

RK: What does Mariah see in you? TeenNick is wack, your rap career is wack. At this point, I really hope someone kills you.

SCENE 4

Sir Mix-a-Lot Avenue

Exterior Street

Seattle, Washington

("Hold On, We're Going Home" by Drake featuring Majid Jordan playing over the loudspeakers)

There are several parade floats moving past the downtown area. Several local businesses get exposure, as well as the bigger names like Burger King. A female reporter for KOMO 4 (ABC Seattle) News is standing on the sidewalk, covering the parade.

BUSTER: I hate this song so much.

SPARKY: I don't think we have control over the songs played in this episode.

BOB: WE'RE FILMING!

RK: Nobody cares, Bob.

BOB: You should!

KRISTEN DREW: I'm Kristen Drew here at the 28th annual Seattle New Year's Eve Parade. Over 125 different floats have been created, making this the largest parade since the event in 2004. What better way to ring in 2014 than with the garbage can float from Jack's Salvage Yard?

(The float is shown depicting a bronzed garbage can with real bronzed garbage around it)

JACK: $3,000 on this crap. IT BETTER BE WORTH IT!

KRISTEN DREW: And look at that, it's coming down right now. The Burger King float! And it was solely designed by restaurant owner Lee Chan Ping Wing Hing Zing.

MR. PING WING HING ZING: YEAH, YOU PEOPLE BETTER COME DOWN TO BOGGER KING BEFORE MIDNIGHT! TRY MY FOOD...SEE MY FLOAT...YEAH! (BLEEP) MCDONALD'S! THEY TOO SCARED OF THE COMPETITION!

(During Mr. Ping Wing Hing Zing's tirade, the Burger King float is shown, depicting the King mascot himself sitting on a throne. The throne is on top of a mountain of plastic Whoppers)

BUSTER: Whoa, check THAT out!

WADE: Buster...are you getting one of those scatterbrained ideas that we constantly tell you to ignore?

BUSTER: Kind of. But this one is going to work.

(Buster jumps the guardrail and climbs the helium-filled king mascot)

SPARKY: BUSTER, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!

RK: GET DOWN FROM THERE!

WADE: YOU'RE CAUSING A SCENE!

(Everybody stares at the boys)

WADE: Oh, we're causing a scene too.

SPARKY: Let's go get him down ourselves.

(Sparky, RK, and Wade jump the guardrail and climb the king mascot to get Buster down)

BUSTER: I'M THE KING OF THE...HEY!

SPARKY: Buster, get down!

BUSTER: No, I'm the king of the world now.

WADE: YOU'RE NOT THE KING, AND WE'RE GETTING YOU THE (BLEEP) DOWN!

MR. PING WING HING ZING: STUPID DAMN KIDS RUINING MY DAMN FLOAT! I SHOOT YOU IF YOU DON'T GET DOWN! THIS IS AN EMBARRASSMENT!

KRISTEN DREW: An unfathomable scene here as three little kids have climbed the Burger King float in an attempt to get their friend down. There is absolute pandemonium as you can see behind me as adults are losing their minds over the lack of safety or security.

RK: Hey, look, it's the Fiesta Trio from _Dora the Explorer _whenever Dora accomplishes something.

SPARKY: Oh crap, we're going to flatten 'em all the way to Hell!

(The Fiesta Trio, unaware of what's about to happen, play their signature fanfare, but the float flattens them as Sparky said, literally turning them into pancakes on the road...they might be dead)

SCENE 5

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

ANNOUNCER: We now return to _Family Guy._

LOIS: Peter, you have to get over your stupid jealousy.

PETER: Lois, how many times have I told you? I'm not the kind of guy to hold grudges.

MEG: Hi Dad. Have you seen my rash cream?

PETER: YOU THREW AWAY MY BEER TWO WEEKS AGO BY ACCIDENT! AND I'M STILL MAD ABOUT IT!

(Peter throws an orange at Meg's head, knocking her down and out)

(long pause)

PETER: So, anyway, Lois, I'm not the kind of guy to hold grudges.

JAYLYNN: I'm worried for the A.V. Club comments.

(KG walks into the living room)

KG: So, just to make sure, you're here all day, right?

JAYLYNN: No.

KG: Oh. Well, that's news to me.

JAYLYNN: Sorry, I thought you knew.

KG: Yeah, but maybe RK's right. I mean, we've never had any extended amount of time together and it's the last day of the year.

JAYLYNN: So?

KG: So I was thinking that we could spend the whole day together.

JAYLYNN: I don't know, I mean, I'm only here until they get back.

KG: But I'm a very special person!

JAYLYNN: I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. And I kind of don't want to find out.

KG: Oh, you'll find out soon. I'll get Paulina!

(KG runs upstairs)

JAYLYNN: Is Paulina his doctor? I think I need to make a doctor's appointment. I keep thinking that a dentist means doctor. Does it? Probably?

(KG runs back downstairs with his guitar Paulina)

JAYLYNN: Oh, I thought you had one of those alternative rock guitars.

KG: Ewwwwww, that folk pop crap? Those guitars are for losers. This is a hard rock one.

(KG performs the guitar riff to "Smoke on the Water" by Deep Purple)

JAYLYNN: I'm not impressed.

KG: Hey, why do you have to be such a cynic all the time?

JAYLYNN: Because the world is a dark, unfair place where you don't get what you want more than half the time. People are going to disappoint you millions of times over the course of your life. People are perpetrating, cheating, lying scumbags that make you their bitch and want you to fail. KG, nobody is really your friend. They're just illusions. And they know it so they take advantage of you. One day, we're all going to die and be forgotten about in the short order so it's best to just realize the dystopian wasteland of a society we live in now.

(long pause)

KG: Do you burn bras in your sleep?

SCENE 6

Burger King

Interior Kitchen

Seattle, Washington

(Mr. Ping Wing Hing Zing is dragging the boys inside)

RK: What are you doing to me? Unhand me! I'm a fourth-grade white boy! I'm cute and I'm sexy! Let me go!

MR. PING WING HING ZING: Shut up, you dumbass. You're a menace to society. I should have you allested!

RK: What?

MR. PING WING HING ZING: Allested!

RK: You want me to be molested? That's pretty (bleep)ed up.

WADE: He should have you arrested!

RK: Oh, you can't understand a damn thing with his accent. But Buster was the one who did it!

MR. PING WING HING ZING: I know, this is Buster, right?

BUSTER: No, I'M Buster, that's RK.

MR. PING WING HING ZING: Well, why do you two sound arike?

RK: My voice has more bass.

MR. PING WING HING ZING: Oh. Well, you four asshores embarrassed me today. More people care about the safety of rittle children than my food!

SPARKY: Wouldn't that be a good thing, technically?

MR. PING WING HING ZING: No, because I thrive off of attention. I wanted to make positive headlines for my store! Now I can't make headlines for store.

RK: We don't care.

MR. PING WING HING ZING: You should. Big time. You guys are going to wok for me in my store! All day until you pay me back for damages!

RK: But I don't want to wok.

MR. PING WING HING ZING: You're going to wok!

RK: But what if we have no intention to wok?

MR. PING WING HING ZING: YOU'RE GOING TO (BLEEP) WOK!

BUSTER: OK, but why do we have to work?

WADE: Buster, please don't talk.

MR. PING WING HING ZING: I just explained that, you stupid kid. Because of your stupid stunt at the palade and the damages for my froat that you caused, you're going to wok until the store close to pay for damages.

SPARKY: But we have places to be! I have to meet my girlfriend for New Year's Eve dinner!

BUSTER: Yeah, we can't spend our day in this popsicle stand!

RK: Yeah, I had plans to do something totally outrageous today.

RK is standing in front of Emily Marquez, one of the most popular girls in the school. Well, a fifth-grader.

RK: Emily Marquez. You're looking hella fine today.

EMILY: I told you you're an annoying stalker and I don't want to be friends with you.

RK: Yeah, you told me that. Look, I wanted to do something to you that I always wanted to do to you.

EMILY: What?

(long pause; RK kicks Emily in her midsection, hits her with the Go to Sleep and then kisses her passionately while she's out cold)

RK: (Bleep) you.

(RK puts up the middle fingers while saying this and walks away like nothing ever happened)

(dumbfounded) WADE: You were going to attack a girl?

RK: Hey, I didn't start this, she did. And she's going to go to Hell when I kill her.

(long pause)

BUSTER: You might want to get checked out. You just might.

MR. PING WING HING ZING: Save your misogyny for latah! You're going to wok in my store until crosing time.

RK: I'm not a misogynist. Am I?

SPARKY: Sir, we don't have time for this. We were going to have the greatest New Year's Eve of all-time.

RK: I just want you guys to know that I only THOUGHT about fornicating certain girls with an iron stick.

(Wade quickly stares at RK, and then back at Mr. Ping Wing Hing Zing)

MR. PING WING HING ZING: Rell, your friend shouldn't have embarrassed me at the damn palade!

(The boys all angrily stare at Buster, who is nervously chuckling)

BUSTER: So, those Falcons really suck this year, ah?

MR. PING WING HING ZING: I forgot to tell you, you're wearing these.

(The Chinese BK owner drops four sets of chef's uniforms, with white hats, white T-shirts, white button-down shirts, white pants, and white shoes)

WADE: Cool! Professional chef's uniforms!

RK: I have a couple race-related questions about those.

SPARKY: Are you sure it's a couple? Are you sure it's not just one?

(disappointed) RK: It's one.

MR. PING WING HING ZING: Yeah, all the uniforms were taken so you stupid guys are rucky.

BUSTER: Doesn't it seem kind of odd that you have four chef's outfits that fit us just right laying here?

MR. PING WING HING ZING: No. My fantasies of kidnapping you guys and making you wok like children in a sweatshop are well-documented.

BUSTER: Hey, you said that with no accent too!

MR. PING WING HING ZING: You're the idiot. You're not supposed to look for rogic in things. Here, pray with this.

(Mr. Ping Wing Hing Zing tosses Buster a small red ball with green stripes)

BUSTER: How can I pray with this ball?

WADE: He wants you to play with it.

BUSTER: But he said pray.

MR. PING WING HING ZING: I MEANT PRAY!

BUSTER: Yeah, and I want to know how I can pray with this.

WADE: It's his accent.

BUSTER: You want me to pray with a faux Chinese accent?

WADE: No, he's telling you to play with the ball.

BUSTER: Well, can't he just drop the accent then?

MR. PING WING HING ZING: STOP WASTING TIME! Here, take these tickets. Time to make orders and things.

(Mr. Ping Wing Hing Zing leaves while the "oh-oh-ohhhhhhh-oh" from the _Big Time Rush _theme song plays in the background; Buster is once again receiving daggers from the boys, and he bounces the ball while nervously chuckling again)

TO BE CONTINUED...

SEGWAY SEGMENT

(Sparky clears his throat repeatedly)

BOB: SPARKY?!

SPARKY: Sorry Bob. Hello America. I'm Sparky MacDougal from the animated television series _Thank You, Heavenly_. You know, I think we can all agree that much less happened in 2013 than 2012. Of course, when you have a major hurricane, an election, and an Olympics all in the same year, you're bound to face competition. Pop culture is one of our most renewable resources. No matter what, we always seem to have something to look forward to in that department every year. That's why it's so fascinating to look at and follow. So here we go. 2013: A Year in Review.

("Let Nas Down" by J. Cole playing in the background)

-John Cena wins 30-man Royal Rumble match, and goes on to win the WWE Championship at WrestleMania XXIX

-Baltimore Ravens defeat San Francisco 49ers, 34-31 in Super Bowl XLVII to win second NFL championship in franchise history; highlighted by 34-minute power outage in the Superdome

-Harlem Shake becomes the new dance craze in the early months of the year

-Public Enemy becomes only the fourth hip-hop act inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five in 2007, Run-DMC in 2009, and the Beastie Boys last year)

-Bruno Sammartino inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame after years of being heavily against it

-John Boehner passes the fiscal cliff deal without passing the Hurricane Sandy relief bill, leading to harsh criticism

-_Breaking Bad, _the most critically acclaimed television series in years, ends its five-year run in September

-The Jonas Brothers release two singles for their fifth album, and later announce their breakup; fifth album is cancelled

-Andy Murray becomes the first British man since Fred Perry in 1936 to win Wimbledon, defeating Novak Djokovic in the final (straight sets)

-Nickelodeon heavily purges its lineup, as several shows are cancelled or end altogether

-Miley Cyrus makes major headlines for her heavily controversial performance at the MTV Video Music Awards with Robin Thicke

-George Zimmerman found not guilty on all counts of second-degree murder in the case of Trayvon Martin

-Pope Benedict XVI resigns on February 28; papal conclave elects Jorge Mario Bergoglio on March 13, who selects the name Francis; Pope Francis becomes the first-ever pope from the Americas and the first non-European pope in more than 1,000 years

-A crossover episode is announced between _The Simpsons _and _Family Guy, _bringing together the two biggest adult cartoons in the last twenty years

-Chicago Blackhawks defeat the Boston Bruins 4-2 in the Stanley Cup Finals to win their fifth championship in franchise history; Blackhawks become the eighth team to win the Stanley Cup and Presidents' Trophy (given to the team with the best record) in the same year; Patrick Kane is given the Conn Smythe Trophy

-Miami Heat defeat the San Antonio Spurs 4-3 in the NBA Finals to win their second straight championship and their third overall; LeBron James once again named MVP

-Kendrick Lamar's verse in Big Sean's "Control" (also featuring Jay Electronica) sends shockwaves throughout the hip-hop community

-Lorde releases her debut album _True Heroine _(containing the #1 Billboard hit "Royals") and shares her opinion on pop artists Taylor Swift, Selena Gomez, Justin Bieber, David Guetta, Lana Del Rey, and Nicki Minaj

-Government shutdown is entered, becoming the third-longest shutdown in U.S. history and the first since the 1995-96 shutdown

-*NSYNC reunites during Justin Timberlake's performance at the MTV Video Music Awards

-Boston Red Sox defeat the St. Louis Cardinals 4-2 in the World Series to win their third championship in nine years, after being written off earlier in the season; David Ortiz named Series MVP

-The bombings at the Boston Marathon kill five people and injure 280 people; Dzokhar (in custody) and Tamerlan (deceased) Tsarnaev were the suspected perpetrators

-Mariano Rivera, regarded as the greatest closer of all-time, retires from MLB after 19 seasons

-Randy Orton becomes the first-ever WWE World Heavyweight Champion (and the WWE's first sole world champion since Brock Lesnar in 2002)

-Nelson Mandela dies at 95 years old

-Paul Walker dies at 40 years old as a result of a car crash

-_Family Guy _kills off main character Brian Griffin and replaces him with an Italian dog named Vinny (voiced by Tony Sirico), only to bring him back two episodes later

-_Iron Man 3 _becomes the highest-grossing film of 2013, the fifth highest-grossing film of all-time, the sixth-highest-grossing opening weekend of all-time, and the sixteenth film of all-time to make $1 billion dollars ($1,215,439,994)

SPARKY: Well, it looks like 2013 did pretty good after all. But the question is, will 2014 be better? That's for me to know, and you to find out. OK, it's for the both of us to find out. Enjoy Part 2, everybody. Happy New Year!


	2. Goodbye 2013, Hello 2014 Part 2

PART 2

Last time on _Thank You, Heavenly..._

-Sparky announces plans to go to the Seattle New Year's Parade with Buster, RK, and Wade

-RK convinces KG and Jaylynn to hang out on New Year's Eve

-Buster causes a ruckus when he decides to climb the Burger King float

-Mr. Ping Wing Hing Zing forces Testicular Sound Express to work for the day so they can pay off the float damages

(The boys are making half the Burger King orders to give to the adult cooks)

SCENE 1

Burger King

Interior Kitchen

Seattle, Washington

RK: How about that? Four fourth-graders toiling away on the last day of the year at a second-rate fast-food joint. Look out the window and think of Hell, kids. We're in it.

SPARKY: It's funny. We're somehow able to make these orders with no help and little trouble. This whole thing feels like something the guys from _SpongeBob _wrote.

(Luke Brookshier and Marc Ceccarelli are writing in their office when...)

LUKE: Marc, did you hear that?

MARC: Yeah, someone was talking crap about us. Do you know who it was?

LUKE: I don't know. I just don't know.

VINCENT WALLER: Hey guys, did you hear some kid mention us?

MARC: IT'S YOUR FAULT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT US!

(Marc throws his clipboard at Vincent's head, knocking him down and out)

LUKE: Marc, what the hell?

MARC: It's his fault, Luke. Nobody is going to call ME a bad writer.

(Mr. Ping Wing Hing Zing walks into the kitchen)

MR. PING WING HING ZING: RK, you're not rearing your hat.

RK: Because I don't want to. My mohawk is special to me, and I can't have the...

MR. PING WING HING ZING: PUT ON THE HAT!

(scared, close to tears) RK: OK.

MR. PING WING HING ZING: Now, you look weady to wok.

RK: What?

MR. PING WING HING ZING: Weady to wok!

RK: What?!

WADE: READY TO WORK! I mean, seriously, this is ridiculous. You guys should know what he's saying by now.

SPARKY: It's true.

BUSTER: Yeah, I'm not even that stupid.

SCENE 2

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(There is a bunch of smoke in the air, and KG and Jaylynn are in a zombie-like state. They've been smoking large amounts of marijuana to bond with each other.)

JAYLYNN: Hey...KG?

KG: Yeah?

(long pause)

JAYLYNN: I'm a lesbian.

KG: No (bleep) way!

JAYLYNN: Yeah, I've, uh...I've been attracted to girls since the Bush administration.

KG: What's a Bush administration?

JAYLYNN: I think it's, um...something...this, uh, guy...invented.

KG: You talk like sex.

JAYLYNN: What? How do I talk like sex?

KG: Because, you, um...I want to bang you, Jaylynn. I want to bang you so hard, you...um, you...you won't remember me banging you.

JAYLYNN: I don't...have, the, um...sex with guys. I like girls and stuff.

KG: That's gross...what kind of girl likes a girl? LES-BO! (KG smokes more marijuana while laughing and coughing)

JAYLYNN: Oh, you suck, man. If I...IF I...had the right mind to snap your neck, I would snap it right off.

KG: Then do it, you little punk. Do it, Punky Brewster. Come on...use that Punky Power to snap my neck.

(long pause)

JAYLYNN: Who the hell is Punky Brewster?

(door knocking)

JAYLYNN: Oh no, it's the...the police. They're going to arrest us.

KG: For what?

JAYLYNN: Because remember when we went to, um...Cabo last summer?

KG: Summer of 2012?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, and we both spat on that chick? I think...I think they're coming for us.

KG: Oh, you're right. That chick was gross.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, how does she eat Spaghetti-O's with her hands?

HALLEY: Guys, it's me, Halley!

JAYLYNN: Oh, thank God, it's that white Italian bimbo Halley. Let me open the door real slow like.

(Jaylynn opens the door slowly and Halley helps her)

HALLEY: God, it smells horrible in here! Are you guys high?

JAYLYNN: Are you sexy? OH! CHECK PLEASE!

(KG does the DX crotch chop repeatedly for no reason)

HALLEY: Yeah, you guys are too high for your own good. Have you seen Sparky? We're going to dinner later and I haven't heard from him today.

KG: Yeah, wasn't he...and RK, and them...poing to the Gatorade thingy?

HALLEY: What?

JAYLYNN: KG, you nit, he meant...going to the parade. I think. I can't remember why he went. For all we know, he could be dead.

HALLEY: Jaylynn, don't joke around like that.

JAYLYNN: I ain't no joke. I'm not someone to (bleep) with, Halley. Don't ever say shit about my mommy. My mommy took care of me when she got me from the pet store as a baby turtle, and now...I know all the tricks of ninjitsu. So have at me, Shredder! Come on now! What...do you know about the, um...the Kraang?

HALLEY: OK, I'm going to see if anyone else has seen him.

(Halley closes the door and walks away from the house)

KG: Hey, hey Jaylynn...where's the money?

(long pause)

JAYLYNN: What?

KG: This is a hold-up! Give me the money, I ain't playin'!

JAYLYNN: Whoa, just take it easy, man.

KG: Back off. Now, is there a safe in here somewhere?

JAYLYNN: IT'S THE THEATER THUG!

KG: I say...is there a safe in here somewhere?

JAYLYNN: GET HIM!

KG: No, I just played the guy in the damn re-enactment, stupid.

JAYLYNN: Well, I'm stupid and high, I don't know nothing.

SCENE 3

Burger King

Interior Kitchen

Seattle, Washington

(The boys are continuing to prepare food)

SPARKY: Hey, what time is it?

RK: 4:15. We get off at 8.

SPARKY: Oh, praise the Lord. I'll have just enough time to get back home, change, and head to dinner with Halley. I hope she's not worried about me.

BUSTER: 4:15? I just realized something. I haven't been jamming to anything all day. Shocking.

(Buster puts on "The Way" by Ariana Grande featuring Mac Miller using his iPod)

WADE: Can you please turn that off? It's affecting my productivity.

BUSTER: OK, maybe we can choose something a little more political.

(Buster puts on "Black Skinhead" by Kanye West)

RK: It's actually not that bad of a song, really.

WADE: Buster, if you want to listen to your music, that's fine, but put on your headphones, please.

BUSTER: OK, Oscar the Grouch.

(Buster takes out his headphones through a long-winded process, puts them on, selects his song, and starts singing)

(loudly singing "Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke featuring T.I. and Pharrell) BUSTER: GOOD GIRLS! I know you want me...I know you want me...I know you want me...talking 'bout GOOD GIRLS! I know you want me...

(Wade takes the headphones out of Buster's ears)

WADE: COULD YOU PLEASE SHUT THE (BLEEP) UP?!

(long pause)

BUSTER: Well, I guess you really blurred THOSE lines.

WADE: You're being an absolute annoying idiot today! What's the matter with you? Is there some sort of brain deficiency you have that causes you to do stupid shit like this all the time?

SPARKY: Wade, calm down before someone gets hurt.

RK: Yeah, Wade, look, I know the situation is bad, but we really can't let tempers flare here.

WADE: THE BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP! I'm sick and tired of this guy constantly having to be the screw-up!

BUSTER: What kind of asshole do you think you are? You're no better than me.

WADE: I am. I actually think before I act.

BUSTER: And you're a miserable bastard with no life. You're always the one that has some kind of problem. You can't keep a cool head for anything.

WADE: You're the one who cries every time a girl doesn't want to be around you. You act on impulse and you're a little kid, Buster.

BUSTER: I'm nine years old, dumbass! What do you want from me?

WADE: To have some freaking maturity every now and again!

(in his head) SPARKY: This is what Bitch Clock was talking about. Are we seriously just a powder keg?

BUSTER: The only thing you have going for yourself is yourself. Sometimes you're so damn disconnected from the rest of us. I mean, without me, who else would you have to kick around?

WADE: What are you talking about?!

BUSTER: You're just a bully, you're not my friend. Hell, you act like my dad half the time!

WADE: Well, it's pretty obvious your dad didn't do his job.

RK: OK, I'M SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR ASS PICKING ON HIM! Wade, what kind of sick joy do you get from this?

WADE: I don't. Is it really a problem to ask my friend to be more responsible and less idiotic?

RK: Not the way you put it. You treat Buster like the kid you never wanted. He's a person, he has feelings. You have to know how to treat people!

WADE: I do know how to treat people. Honestly, I have no idea how Buster treats HIS friends, like Jennessa for instance. How in God's name did she not realize what Savanah realized? That you're an irresponsible dumbass with no sense or ration.

(Buster punches Wade in the face, and the two immediately start fighting)

SPARKY: Guys, stop it right now!

RK: Yeah, come on, break it up!

(Wade elbows RK in the jaw, and he joins Buster in the fight, making it a 2-on-1)

SPARKY: GUYS, THAT'S ENOUGH!

(Sparky pulls Buster and RK off of Wade)

RK: Hey, don't defend him!

SPARKY: I'm not defending anybody! I just want this crap to stop!

BUSTER: Look, Sparky, you need to stay out of this and mind your own business.

SPARKY: Mind MY own business? I'm trying to help you guys! I've been acting like a patient little kid all day and I'm sick of it! Sometimes, you guys drive me up the walls!

RK: You don't think you do? A moral compass is unnecessary. You don't need to serve a purpose in this group, Sparky.

SPARKY: You guys would be in Hell without me!

BUSTER: Sparky, sometimes, you really DO act like a wet blanket.

SPARKY: You're the problem in this group! You sit there all day and act like an idiot!

BUSTER: Oh, so you're agreeing with Wade?

SPARKY: Just calling it the way I see it.

BUSTER: Oh, like how you're an ineffective leader?

SPARKY: Ineffective?

BUSTER: Yeah, this shit wouldn't happen if you took more responsibility for OUR failures.

SPARKY: I'm not your father, Buster Carlisle Newman. You need to wake up and realize that not every single problem of yours is going to be solved in less than an hour! This isn't network television, this is real-life!

WADE: That's the same thing I said! You're just a dumbass who still expects to be babied!

BUSTER: You're an antisocial prick who still thinks he's a ladies' man! When in reality, girls are disgusted by you.

RK: Sanna wouldn't touch your ass if you were the last boy on Earth!

WADE: And you think she would touch YOURS? Face it RK, you're a failure with girls too. Sanna didn't want you, Ashley won't want you, and if you think you can somehow wrangle up any average-looking girl, you still won't!

SPARKY: EVERYBODY SHUT THE (BLEEP) UP!

RK: GOD, LEAVE US ALONE, SPARKY!

SPARKY: No, you three need to hear this right now! You're all crazy little assholes. Bitch Clock was right. And if it was up to me, I wouldn't want to ever meet you guys!

BUSTER: Come on, Sparky, you don't mean that.

SPARKY: I do. I HATE YOU GUYS!

(Sparky immediately starts crying and collapses)

BUSTER: NO, SPARKY!

RK: SOMEBODY HELP!

(close to tears) WADE: Sparky, don't freeze up on us, please!

(The boys all try to help Sparky while the adult cooks come in to help as well)

SCENE 4

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

KG: Jaylynn? You here? Did you go to the bathroom?

(silence)

KG: Hmmmm. I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire...

(Jaylynn walks through the front door)

JAYLYNN: Hey KG.

KG: I WASN'T SINGING KATY PERRY!

JAYLYNN: You know, by saying you weren't singing Katy Perry, it pretty much means you WERE.

KG: Yeah, I really didn't think that through. Wait, where have you been? I woke up with this headache and I couldn't find you anywhere.

JAYLYNN: Oh, I had a power run. I woke up on the kitchen table with a headache and running helps me get rid of it.

KG: Boy, that pot was something, eh?

JAYLYNN: Yeah. Who would have thought that we were going to bond over marijuana?

KG: Yeah, we actually found something we could do together. I haven't felt this good since my first day of junior high school.

(KG is walking home from school)

KG: Dear Lord, what a day. Can this get any worse?

(KG notices a large truck behind him, trying to flatten him)

KG: Hey look, a dangerous tanker truck. OH MY GOD!

(KG narrowly misses the truck flattening him, but it swerves off the street and lands on its side. KG, who hid under a bench, is doused with a mysterious chemical coming out of the truck.)

KG: Oh, man. I just bought these clothes! DAMMIT!

(KG melts into a puddle on the ground, and comes right back to his human form)

KG: Oh my God. I have superpowers!

(KG makes a heroic pose, which is in real-time as Jaylynn stares at him uninterestingly; long pause)

JAYLYNN: Really?

KG: Yes. In my mind, I'm Alex Mack.

JAYLYNN: But you're not even a girl.

KG: IN MY MIND, I'M ALEX MACK!

JAYLYNN: I've never watched that show.

SCENE 5

Burger King

Interior Kitchen

Seattle, Washington

(Sparky slowly opens his eyes, and sees the boys)

SPARKY: Hey...are you the Backstreet Boys?

RK: Sparky, it's us.

SPARKY: I love the Backstreet Boys. (sings the chorus to "I Want It That Way" off-key)

BUSTER: I think he's still loopy.

MR. PING WING HING ZING: Being psychologically stressed out by constant work and your stupid friends is a serious issue. Do you know how much money I could lose by overworking a kid?

RK: The $25 you make a year in this place?

MR. PING WING HING ZING: Shut up. Let the anesthetic wear off. Then it's back to wok.

(Mr. Ping Wing Hing Zing leaves the kitchen)

WADE: Guys, we nearly lost Sparky today. Because of us, he had an emotional breakdown.

BUSTER: I don't want to think about what would happen if Sparky died. (crying) He's my best friend in the whole world. I didn't mean anything I said about calling him an ineffective leader. He's the best leader we could ever have.

RK: He was right. What could we do without him?

WADE: I guess it wouldn't work out too bad. You or me or Jaylynn could be leader.

BUSTER: Are you serious? RK is a psychopath, you're a killjoy and Jaylynn is a hopeless cynic.

WADE: Yeah, we're going to Hell. Look, Buster, I was so mad about what you did today, I said a lot of (bleep)ed-up things and I'm really sorry about that. I pick you apart for a lot of your faults when I should be picking apart my own.

RK: That's pretty unhealthy, man.

WADE: No, it's true. Sparky has Halley and Jaylynn. You have Jennessa. You have Ashley. Who do I have? Nobody. I'm eight years old with nothing to show for it. I wish there was a girl in my life. That's all I ever really wanted.

BUSTER: Is that the source of your frustration?

WADE: Yes. Ever since I was in diapers, girls have called me lame, repulsive, pathetic, undesirable. I've been kicked in the ass by the opposite sex one too many times.

RK: Hey, I've been through the same thing. I can't even talk to some girls because I try to take steps to be their friend, and they tell me to stay away from them.

WADE: What the hell is wrong with our generation? We don't know what it means to be compassionate or loving or knowledgeable. We lost all of those qualities.

BUSTER: You're telling ME. I try to talk about shows from back then like _The Secret World of Alex Mack, _and the other kids look at me like I'm Benjamin Button or something.

RK: My brother watches that show. It was cancelled when Puffeau yelled at the audience for clapping too loudly and ruining his souffle.

BUSTER: Was that an _Arthur _reference?

RK: Yeah.

WADE: You know, I may lose my temper with you guys, but I can't talk to others like I would talk to you. We finish each other's sentences, we know all the references, we understand each other in a way that no one else can.

BUSTER: You know, I do make the wrong decisions from time to time. I need someone to help rein me in.

WADE: Yeah, but you don't need a father in this group either. The fact that your parents decided to get back together shows that not every divorce has to have a sad ending. I really admire those kinds of people.

BUSTER: Thank you. And you know, you're going to get the girl you always wanted.

WADE: How can you be so sure?

BUSTER: There's a chicken for every pot.

(Wade smiles and hugs Buster)

RK: You know, it's a really cold world out there ready to knock us down whenever it can.

BUSTER: And you know what? You stick your two middle fingers to the world and say, "Have at me!" Together, with Jaylynn and KG and all the rest, we can accomplish anything.

WADE: It's been a crazy year. I'm glad I could spend New Year's Eve with you guys.

RK: Me too.

BUSTER: Hey, Happy New Year to all of us, huh?

SPARKY: You know it.

WADE: Sparky! You're no longer loopy!

SPARKY: I stopped being loopy ages ago.

RK: But, the Backstreet Boys...

SPARKY: I just wanted you guys to patch things up. And you're right. We need each other in this world. And listen, I didn't mean it when I said I hate you guys. I love you guys more than you could ever know.

BUSTER: You're practically my brother, man.

SPARKY: Ah, screw that. At this point in time, we ARE brothers.

(Sparky and Buster hug)

RK: Hey Wade.

WADE: Yeah?

RK: Are we brothers? In a way?

WADE: Hey, I don't see a better brother coming this way.

(The two smile at each other, and hug quickly)

RK: Yeah, um...

WADE: Yeah.

RK: Yeah.

(The two end up laughing)

BUSTER: There's just one thing unaccounted for.

SPARKY: What?

BUSTER: What the hell are we still doing here? It's New Year's Eve, I want to go home and watch the ball drop!

WADE: Buster, it's only 7:34. You have four hours and twenty-six minutes until 2014 starts.

SPARKY: 7:34?! (looks at his Swatch) OH NO!

BUSTER: Oh yeah, your date with Halley.

RK: Don't you have your phone? Just say you'll be there any minute.

SPARKY: Good call Ryan.

(RK has a disgusted look on his face)

(Sparky calls Halley)

HALLEY: You've reached the Halley Rose. Please leave a message and I might call back.

SPARKY: THE Halley Rose? Look, Halley, I'm trapped at Burger King with the guys and doing painstaking labor for no pay. Look, I'll be there soon, OK? I'll explain when I come. I'M NOT A FLAKE!

(Sparky hangs up)

WADE: Sparky, we have to take deep breaths before we leave our messages.

SPARKY: DON'T TELL ME THAT, WADE! I'M FRANTIC AND I'M GOING TO MISS MY DATE ON NEW YEAR'S EVE!

(long pause)

RK: So, why did you call me Ryan?

BUSTER: Don't worry. We're busting out of here. Like in _Toy Story 3._

BUZZ: Come on guys, let's get out of this dump! Hey, where's Woody?

WOODY: I don't want to go.

BUZZ: What are you talking about? We're going to come back to Andy.

WOODY: He doesn't want me there. HE TOLD ME!

(Woody starts crying)

BUZZ: You're a toy, he can't actually talk to you.

WOODY: SHUT UP! I would rather stay here knowing Andy doesn't want me anymore.

LOTSO: Hey, time for some _Brokeback Mountain_, cowboy.

BUZZ: Woody...

MR. POTATO HEAD: My dick fell off.

MRS. POTATO HEAD: Again?

SCENE 6

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

JAYLYNN: KG, I'm worried. The guys haven't called since they left Sparky's place.

KG: I thought you were the sarcastic one who cared about nothing.

JAYLYNN: That only applies to half my life. The guys are really important to me.

KG: Oh, that's nice. Well, I'm pretty sure they did something stupid, they got trapped in a store, and are going through an elaborate escape plan as we speak. And it's way more complicated than necessary.

JAYLYNN: So in your mind, you're Alex Mack AND Raven Baxter?

KG: No. I just know what Testicular Sound Express is capable of. They're a predictable group of boys.

(Jaylynn gets a text message from Halley)

JAYLYNN: Ugh, Halley's giving me the business. "I don't know where they are, Halley. But Sparky will come to the dinner SOON. Gee." Girls are so annoying.

KG: Yeah, I guess that's why you're a girl, right?

JAYLYNN: Ah, shut up.

SCENE 7

Burger King

Interior Kitchen

Seattle, Washington

7:46 PM PST

WADE: OK, using these burger wrappers, I've devised an escape plan that's way more complicated than necessary.

BUSTER: Why?

WADE: Because it's really fun. Now at 7:54, RK will pretend he's choking on a pudding cup, while Sparky will descend from the rafters in a raven costume and zipline through the restaurant outside. Buster will then pull the fire alarm while I grab Sparky and race to the front of the door. Now, security is tight. So getting to the car is a matter of...

(RK is dusting off his plastic Uzi, and he has inexplicably changed clothes. He's wearing a Pittsburgh Pirates cap, black T-shirt, black Wrangler jeans, a black jacket with a yellow "PE" logo on the sides, a big plastic clock in place of a gold chain, and Adidas Samoas. It's the Public Enemy look.)

WADE: RK, when did you change clothes?

RK: Don't worry about that. Just follow my lead. Oh, and you guys are improperly dressed.

(RK snaps his fingers, a ball of smoke consumes the boys, and when it disappears, Sparky, Buster, and Wade all look like Public Enemy.)

BUSTER: You know what? I have the perfect music for this.

(Buster puts on Public Enemy's own "Black Steel in the Hour of Chaos")

SPARKY: Let's go.

(The boys walk out of the kitchen with their plastic Uzis and stern faces)

MR. PING WING HING ZING: HEY! GET BACK TO WOK!

RK: TO HELL WITH WOK!

(Sparky, Buster, and Wade brutally assault Mr. Ping Wing Hing Zing with their Uzis, while RK forces the customers to evacuate)

RK: GO! EVERYBODY, GO! NOW! EVERYBODY, GO!

(The boys then hop into a waiting 98 Oldsmobile, with a British chauffeur)

RK: Thanks Jeeves.

JEEVES: Anything to help out, Mr. Jennings.

RK: Send us to...where's the restaurant?

SPARKY: 5432 Meadow Lane.

RK: 5432 Meadow Lane.

JEEVES: Indeed, Mr. Jennings.

(Jeeves drives the Oldsmobile to the restaurant, while RK touches an angry Buster)

RK: Ashley doesn't need to know.

BUSTER: Ashley doesn't even know you like her.

(Buster swipes RK's hand away)

(The Oldsmobile crashes into the Fiesta Trio, beat-up and tired. They play a slower version of their fanfare, but don't see the car coming. They're once again pancakes on the ground.)

WADE: We're terrible people, but at the same time, they could watch where they're going.

SPARKY, BUSTER, AND RK: True.

(The Oldsmobile arrives at the restaurant, and there's a sign that reads: "The Food Sucks Here, But We Get Paid Them Serious Ducats Anyway." Halley is waiting outside and doesn't know what to say when Sparky walks out of the car.)

SPARKY: I...have arrived.

HALLEY: Do you think it's cute to not answer your phone for hours and hours? I had to ask a bunch of kids from school where you were and they didn't know a damn thing. I have feelings too, Sparky! And why the hell are you wearing that?

SPARKY: I'll explain it all when we get inside.

(Sparky and Halley walk inside while the Oldsmobile drives away. Next stop: RK's house.)

SCENE 8

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

11:57 PM PST

RK: So, what do you guys have to say for yourselves?

KG: We're sorry the room smelled like sweat and dog shit when you came here.

JAYLYNN: Next time KG, we smoke weed at my place. I have this sweet purple kush from Oregon-best in the Northwest.

KG: Oh, really? Sweet!

(RK angrily stares at KG)

KG: I mean, that sounds splendid, Ms. Huie. I can't wait.

BUSTER: Guys, the ball is about to drop!

SPARKY: OH YEAH, TURN UP, MAN! READY FOR 2014, NIGGA! TURN UP!

(Everybody, including Halley, stare at Sparky in a scared way)

SPARKY: I'm ready for the New Year to come in.

WADE: I just hope Ryan Seacrest doesn't (bleep) up the count. I don't need you guys blaming me again.

DECEMBER 31, 2011

DICK CLARK: 10! 9! 8! 7! 7!

WADE: He just said seven twice. Am I the only guy who's going to acknowledge that?

BUSTER, RK, AND KG: WADE, STAY ON COUNT!

(Wade looks around, dumbfounded)

Back to reality.

RYAN SEACREST: And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to count to midnight in Times Square. 2013 has been one of the most interesting years in recent memory. But 2014 must come. So here we go.

SPARKY: LET'S GO! LET'S GO RIGHT NOW!

RYAN SEACREST: 59! 58! 57! 56! 55! 54! 53! 52! 51! 50! 49! 48! 47! 46! 45! 44! 43! 42! 41! 40! 39! 38! 37! 36! 35! 34! 33! 32! 31! 30! 29! 28! 27! 26! 25! 24! 23! 22! 21! 20! 19! 18! 17! 16! 15! 14! 13! 12!

(imitating Michael Cole) BUSTER: Moment of truth time here in Seattle!

(RK and Wade confusingly stare at Buster, then at each other)

RYAN SEACREST (with TSE, KG, and Halley) 11! 10! 9! 8! 7! 6! 5! 4! 3! 2! 1! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

("Hello, Goodbye" by the Jonas Brothers playing in the background)

(The massive crystal ball in Times Square reaches its end as it is now officially 2014; more than 1,000,000,000 revelers in New York City wearing Nivea "Kiss or Be Kissed" hats celebrate and kiss their significant others; Sparky kisses Halley; Buster kisses himself, much to Wade's confusion)

WADE: I'm not even going to ask.

RK: You want to kiss to open 2014, Jaylynn?

KG: Um, RK, Jaylynn's...

JAYLYNN: He doesn't know yet. Yeah, sure, RK.

RK: I just want you to know, I don't have any other options.

(KG blocks it and takes the kiss)

KG: Ewwww.

JAYLYNN: What the (bleep)?!

(long pause; RK has the time to taste it)

RK: Your lips don't taste that bad, actually.

(cue to a shot of the Jennings house outside; fireworks and pyrotechnics can be seen in the skies and they make the words "Happy New Year" in script)

(appearing in the sky) RK: You would've thought we were going to wish you a Happy New Year. (Bleep) you.

(RK leaves, and comes back)

RK: No, I'm just kidding, Happy New Year.

(RK leaves a second time, and comes back a second time)

RK: But seriously, (bleep) you.

(RK leaves a third and final time)

TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now it's time for...

STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!

KIDS: Music Time!

STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.

("Thrift Shop" by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis featuring Wanz playing in the end credits)

("Feel This Moment" by Pitbull featuring Christina Aguilera follows it)

©2013 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS

HAPPY NEW YEAR

SEE YOU AGAIN ON JANUARY 19


	3. Goodbye 2013, Hello 2014 Backstage Pass

PRODUCTION/CULTURAL REFERENCES

-Doing a Christmas episode every season seems like overkill, but the New Year's episode now seems like it's meant to be an institution. Last season, this episode alongside "Super Bowl Cum-Day" got the most views (more than 200 each) so it made perfect sense to write a sequel. Then again, I was most likely going to do that anyway.

-At this point, just know that Testicular Sound Express is a close group of friends who love each other, and look out for each other. I mean, they'll be out of line or do crazy things every now and again, but deep down, they're like family. That's what this episode validated.

-The marijuana scene is one of the very few times where I think a joke is really funny to ME. I mean, I always put jokes in that I think are funny, but this really made me laugh looking back at it. I should definitely have Jaylynn and KG smoke more blow in the future.

-Maybe it's just me, but I realized that 2013 was a lot less uneventful than 2012. I don't know how much you guys got out of the year, but it seems like 2012 had more headlines. Then again, you're competing with the U.S. presidential election AND the Summer Olympics so what can you do?

-You might have noticed that Bitch Clock didn't talk down to Sparky or be an inconsiderate douchebag. After what happened in "Sparky's Big Hit," I realized that I can use that episode to my advantage. Bitch Clock overstepped his boundaries in that episode, got a serious ass-kicking, and learned a valuable lesson. He's richer for the experience. His character needed to change. I see Bitch Clock as a cynic for the most part, but he shows Sparky a lot more respect and even gives him advice.

-Wade's line "Are you just going to sit there like a halfwit, mouth agape?" is a reference to the _SpongeBob SquarePants _episode "As Seen on TV."

-That really does seem like a pretty good _Family Guy _scene to me.

-Always nice for the _SpongeBob _writers to make fun of themselves. TAKE THE CRITICS DOWN A PEG! :)

-The internal bleeding story was actually taken from my Asian friend Michael, who told me the exact same story. It was really funny when he told me.

-The Fiesta Trio jokes also had inspiration behind it. During the _Dora the Explorer _episode "Berry Hunt," Dora and Boots went picking blueberries. A large bear started chasing after them because he wanted their blueberries, and the Fiesta Trio, confused at what was happening, started playing their fanfare when the bear ran past them. They never finished playing and he almost killed them. It was so funny, I thought, "Why don't we reference that ourselves?"

-In this book I was reading (I think it was called _The Scrappers _but I can't be sure), there was a man named Jack who owned a salvage yard in the city. The baseball team later to be named the Scrappers needed a sponsor so Gloria suggested Jack, her father. I decided to use that as a reference.

-Jaylynn and KG were referencing the _Drake & Josh _episode "Theater Thug" when they were high.

-The pilot episode of _The Secret World of Alex Mack _was parodied in KG's dream sequence.

-The episode of _Arthur _that RK referenced was "Buster's Carpool Catastrophe."

-Public Enemy was famous for their 98 Oldsmobile, so much so that members of the group were referred to as the 98 Posse. Lead rapper Chuck D wrote about his love for it in "You're Gonna Get Yours," off their 1987 debut album _Yo! Bum Rush the Show._

_-_Wade acknowledging Dick Clark saying seven twice was based off of what happened to me in 2011. Dick was actually slower on the count than he should've been, and I acknowledged it. My mom told me to be quiet and keep counting.


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